Walking the path

(3-minute read)

Before getting married, I spent my days at work and nights in bars. After I got married, everything was different. My boss came over to our house one night after we had been married for over six months and asked if we had any beer. I said I thought so. I went to the refrigerator and found four cans from a six-pack I had bought before we got married. I had never thought about not drinking. I wasn’t by force of will holding myself back from something I wanted. My life had changed so much that I just didn’t think about drinking anymore. What we wanted from our lives as a couple differed from what I previously wanted for myself. The relationship had changed me.

After two years of marriage, I had a salvation experience with the Lord. There was an immediate change in me. I didn’t know how different it was until my customers told me they had noticed the radical change. My relationship with the Lord had changed me far more than I realized. My language changed immediately without me even trying, as did many other things. One Sunday in church, the pastor spoke about the next step after beginning a relationship with the Lord, which was to be changed into the image of Jesus. I began the struggle but discovered it was much more challenging than the pastor indicated in his sermon. I always felt that my actions aligned more with what the Lord wanted than my character. By force of my will, I could change what I did, but I could not change the person I was.

Relationships aren’t always easy. I was looked upon as the provider in the family, and my wife, Jo, was a stay-at-home mom raising our children. We both lived very busy lives. I advanced through a large company and was eventually promoted to the corporate office. Being a good provider is a good thing, but the new job ended up requiring a great deal of travel. I often left on Monday to return on Friday night exhausted and suffering from jet lag, only to leave again on Monday. One weekend, I was looking at my daughter, realizing that she was growing up and that I was missing most of her life. Everyone I knew at work was struggling with the work/home balance. I’m not sure I ever got it right. In my relationship with my wife, we didn’t choose between good things and bad things. The choice was between good things and better things for us. I asked my boss for a demotion to become a district director, which would not require nearly the travel away from home. Not only was my new job better for my relationship with my wife, but surprisingly, it was also better for my relationship with the Lord.

Six months ago, I felt the Lord told me he wanted me to walk through a particular area of difficulty. I said to him that I would. Immediately after that, disaster after disaster began to occur in that area. By January of this year, I started wondering if this was one of those times I was to fear no evil because he was with me. At the depths of that valley, where things were at their worst, I felt a question coming out of my spirit, “Have you been changed into the image of Jesus?” That question grew stronger and stronger. The answer was, “Not nearly enough.”

Using force of will to do good or to not do evil seems like pretending. It was like an actor playing a role. Who was I fooling? It certainly wasn’t God. I want to be changed. I want to actually become the person God wants me to be. I have begun to pray each day that the Lord would give me a relationship with him like he began to teach me with the relationship I have with my wife. Lord, help me lay down myself and mine and search for us and ours with you.

Photo by Yogendra Singh